Kony 2012 – My unusual reason for supporting it.

There is a huge craze right now going on on the internet and as a few days have progressed since the release of the Kony 2012 video. This is not the first time I heard about the non-profit organization called Invisible Children.There was a heart-wrenching presentation when I was at TWU seven years ago, what I really remember from that was the feeling of sheer hopelessness and sadness. What can be done to help? How can anyone make any movement in a fight like that? So that was my context for watching this movie.

I think for me though the thing that gets me excited about this ad, is to see how the American people still can have a voice to their own congress and over issues that matter to them. Especially in regards to where our military presence is (and hopefully someday isn’t). I found myself supporting it not just because of the cause but because of more selfish reasons of re-engaging my own heart for the power of my voice combined with many voices to influence those in power. And also to see how this group has progressed in the years since I first encountered them. Isn’t that what we all desire to see? Social advocates being able to make progress in their cause to better the lives they fight for?

Also, this is one of the first runs large scale runs that I have seen that test social medias power to inform and spread *somewhat* good information. Yes that it is not all correct or informed. I am still very skeptical about why the money that I donated was filed under and given to the company that made the video instead of the actual Invisible Children organization. And yes, I do think it is silly to think that wearing a bracelet may actually change something. It reminds me of the WWJD bracelet craze, no?). I also know that posting a video on FB and donating does not make me a social activist, but I still and always will be encouraged to see an organization that is fighting for something noble make significant progress in 10 years to change the lives of others towards freedom and joy. It gave me hope that the goodness and passions in my heart are are still worth fighting for.

 

amazing…

Scott and I are talking a great deal about what the near-distant future holds. Today we did what I had been dreading all week. We had to look at our budget and see what we really can afford. There is a lot of new expenses which means  a lot of money. Our mattress is shot and we need to upgrade to a larger size (Scott is a sprawler). We also will have to get a place start paying rent. This will be the first time in our marriage that we have lived alone and paid rent. Shocking huh? Four years and we have either lived with people or been blessed by my parents with free rent.

Anyways, we sat down and did the work. How much do we have? What is our projected expenses? How much will we be making? All those tough financial questions that contain so much potential to make me feel like total crap. Anyways. That was not the case today. Scott and I have enough in savings that even with subtracting all that we are have to spend, we have enough money saved away that we can live until September without having to make more one penny!!! Not that this is the plan, but that is just how big the cushion is around us right now. What this means is that all our expenses can be paid off until then. Any money we do make will go straight into loan repayment.  

I just feel so grown up!!! And responsible. It is a good feeling. A great feeling actually.

since no one reads this

I had a situation today that has me really thinking about myself.

I woke up this morning and got ready for work. When I was doing my morning tinkle, it stung a little. Ah shit, I thought, feels like the start of a urinary infection. these are really common for me and they usually go away on their own. Also I noticed there was blood in the tank. Not to worried. I had probably just started my period so I grabbed a tampon but something didn’t feel quite right because there was no other signs of starting. But off I went to work un-phased but a little pissed on how temperamental my lady parts were today.

At work I had to pee again. Typical. This was going to be a long shift. This time however there was more blood and the tampon was completely clean. I was peeing blood. This is the point that has me frustrated now. I really should have freaked out at this moment right? I mean that is a pretty big deal and should be scary. But I didn’t feel scared. Mostly just thought to myself “huh, that’s a bad thing. I wonder if  I should go to the doctor now?’

I actually told two people at work and asked them the same question because really I just wanted someone to give me the emotional reaction of “Oh man, that’s bad. Get out of here.” I think the truth of it is that I am a little sad that I stayed so calm through it all.

I did leave work at that point and went to the doctor and it was just what I expected, a UTI. He said that the presence of blood does not mean that the infection is any worse than one without blood and he gave me drugs and no big deal. I was back to work less than 2 hours later.

So there is where I am torn. It didn’t end up being that big of a deal after I got to the doctors. But it was a big deal in the moment. And it makes me sad that the fear and anxiety didn’t affect me more. I just feel like sometimes I want to be so even keeled that I have missed out on the feelings in some of those intensely ambiguous moments of “is this something big or not?”. While it is good to have the defense of “lets just wait and see before we react”, I wish for once that I reacted first and fully.

I pissed blood today and I didn’t freak out.

crazy!!!

So Scott and I have been talking a lot of what next year will look like. We know that we need a community and we love our church and that space is a necessity. Living in a house would be fantastic. So anyways, plans never go the way that they are set up to.

Today we found a three bedroom house for rent, near the waterfront in Indianola (on the Peninsula) for $850. It is really everything we have wanted in a house and the idea of Peninsula living for a season excited both of us. It would be so quite and peaceful. The other thing that got me excited is that there is a Trader Joes that is opening in Silverdale that I could easily transfer to. I have a feeling they would take me in a heartbeat with my soon to be three years of experience. I have entertained that idea for a while and never thought it possible before.

I don’t know if anything will come from this dream. It just popped into our heads today because I read that the Silverdale store is hiring. Crazy  imagined. But something about it feels new and restful. Getting away from the city, having more space than I know what to do with. A yard and a walk-in closet. Only God knows if this will turn into anything, but I am excited and it felt life-giving to have Scott and I talking about our future in a way that had us both excited.

life?

I haven’t felt very alive the last few days. That is probably why I haven’t written. I really just don’t feel like there was much goodness to speak about or that I wanted to speak about. I have actually been angry. Anger is a funny thing. I know exactly what I am frustrated about and I know (because it has happened many times before) that if I express what I am feeling, it will be received and I will feel the pain of the disappointment that is not far below the anger and there will be a grieving and somewhat of a resolve.  The truth is that I don’t want to give it up. Anger is powerful and I like it. I would rather at this time feel the raging power of anger than have to deal with the hurt, frustration and all else that is wrapped up in the situation.

I have been thinking a great deal about needs. About having needs and being someone with needs. It is actually a very hard thing to admit to myself. I somehow somewhere have equated having desires and needs to being “needy”, especially in relation to relationships. One of my professors once challenged her class to begin to ask themselves what happens when a need is expressed and then not met, when we are confronted with the “no”. Relationally this happens a lot. This is what is happening in me, I am so scared of hearing a “no” and what may happen, that I will choose to be angry and not express or ask for what I need. So this is what I has stopped me from seeing beauty the last few days. What do I do when I think I may need someone more than they can give? This is an odd new place. I usually error on not wanting to admit that I need anyone at all. Independence, I called it. My therapist challenged me the other day by saying that often we split ourselves because sometimes it is just too vulnerable to be passionate about the person we depend on. Can I allow my anger to melt and let my passion and dependence intertwine in a way that is healthy and satisfying?

the artists way

That is one of the titles of the many books I have to read this semester. But actually I have been very much enjoying this one. Hence why she has inspired me to do this.. whatever it is I am doing.

Anyways, one of the tasks that she gave at the end of the chapter was to list 20 things that I love to do and be alright with the fact that some of them I may not have done for years. One of the ones that I listed that I haven’t done since my sophomore year at Trinity was play volleyball. I have really missed that sport. I started playing when I was in fifth grade. I remember that I was the youngest and smallest girl on the team and I had no clue how the game worked. But what I didn’t have in size I made up for in stamina and passion. I would dive clear across the court trying to retrieve the ball. It always ended up falling right next to me but I wanted to play and try so bad. I got Most Improved Player that year. An award that is almost as much a slap in the face as a pat on the back. But that didn’t bug me too much.

So anyways thanks to a class tonight, I got to fill in for a friend on her team. It was so fun. It would have been better if we had won since it was the champion team and all but just getting back on the court and playing felt refreshing and exhilarating. They also took my phone number and email and invited me to join their beach team this summer. That in itself was a reward worth something.

When I felt alive…

I missed yesterday so I will combine today and yesterday. What has brought me life in the last two days?

Yesterday, I had an amazing conversation with my therapist. I have been running from what topic therapeutically gives me life. It has been hard to what to declare my passion and live into that. But I am feeling more and more like there is little options between that and settling somewhere I don’t want to be. I want to specialize in human sexuality and I always have. Since being a teenager I have always wanted to be “the sex lady”. Yet the imagined cost of pursuing this dream has held me back. That conversation feeling both my own passion and life around it made me realize that how can I do anything but pursue it. My therapist described me in the conversation as fecund. I had never heard this word before but it means beaming with life and fruitful. That was and is still how I feel and it seems like moments like this around sexuality are starting to sprout around me as I step into this passion.

Today I felt alive almost throughout the whole day. It was so wonderful. But there was a moment where my heart just laughed a beautiful innocent laugh that will stay with me for a while. Scott and I had dinner tonight with some dear friends who I treasure. They have a four-year-old daughter who is just a hoot. As I was playing with her today, she decided that she was going to show me a magic trick. So she fanned the cards out and tells me to pick a card and she will tell me what it is. I picked one and sure enough she guessed it correctly without a bat of an eye. The sheer genius of this trick was that as she fanned out the cards, she fanned them facing towards her and with their backs to me. My heart just burst in delight with the innocence and intelligence of her. She had invented a trick in which she could not lose. To me it was magic.